I don't know how i feel anymore..?

I just stopped trying to understand myself. All i think is, i've been depressed for a month now, what's going to be different about this cycle today?? so i just am so blank. you talk to me, i talk back like a robot...ahhh :[ and i can't talk to anyone about it (maybe friends, but they're so perfect that i'd seem like a freaak) and i can't afford a doctor/therapist or medication (not like i need any anyways..) so any tips?? i just want to disintegrate into the floor and sink in with the rocks and dirt. i'll reincarnate as a flower and some giraffe will eat me. my dream life.